Force-Feeding my Mom?

When I signed all the documents to admit my mom to the nursing home yesterday, they wanted me to indicate what life-saving measures they should take...DNR, etc.  Mom and I talked about this years ago, when she made her (brief) Living Will. She was mentally competent then and made it clear that she wants no resuscitation or other efforts to keep her alive, just comfort measures (pain meds).  But the nursing home (understandably) wanted me to be more specific, and asked about feeding.  I said "No" to feeding tubes.

Then today after she was admitted to the nursing home, she refused to eat lunch (cheeseburger, fries, 3-bean salad, canned diced pears, and iced tea - it looked mighty good to me).  After a lot of coaxing, I got her to take a few sips of tea.  I left her with the tag-ends of some bags of candy (Reese's PB cups and Dove chocolates), but in the past few months, even her candy consumption has decreased (and like me, she LOVES candy).

Overeating has been such a huge issue for me in my 55 years.  When I was a baby, fat babies were considered "healthy" babies, after all the deprivation of WWII.  One thing I have tried to learn since my WLS is "don't eat if you're not hungry".  So when I see Mom refusing to eat, I'm really torn about what action to take, if any.  Maybe she could starve to death, if I let her.  But can I force-feed her, or give her a feeding tube, when she's just done with living and wants to join her parents in heaven?

The nursing home staff is totally non-judgmental about this.  I don't feel pressured by anything but my own conscience.  I don't know if I could aid in Mom's suicide-by-starvation.  I think if I were 89 yrs old and in her frail condition, I would just want to go to sleep one night looking at photos of my loved ones, and wake up in heaven.  Her quality of life is not great, but I've seen worse.  I can't keep her alive just for my gratification.

What do you think?

Please be honest.  I don't know where else to post this.  OFF members have always given me the straight scoop, love, support, and good advice.

thanks,
Jean

Sweetie, I understand what you are going through.. my mom was the same, and I too was wls  myself..I also work at a nursing home so I see this alot...Just know you have my prayers. In our nursing home alot of times the resident eats a little for different people and not others that is what my mom did. She would eat for the C.N.A.'s but if the fqmily members came by she would not eat so give it a chance and see how she does  good luck

Joanne,

I'm hoping Mom will eat for the CNA's in this new place the way she would for the CNA's in the other place.  They are so cheerful and positive and persistent about eating.  As a family member who's had WLS, all I can do is offer Mom tasty food, and when all else fails, serve her some protein ice cream (which always goes down well).  Every now and then,I bring her a frappe from the local coffee shop, called Just Like Reeses.  It has peanut butter, chocolate, and ice-cream, and Mom loves it.  Yeah, it's junk food, but at least it's got calcium, protein, and calories full of her favorite flavors.  Now that Mom has no appetitie, I can't feel too guilty about bringing her a sweet frappe like this that she loves,.  I'll bet I could ask the coffee shop to throw in a scoop of protein powder and they wouldn't think twice about it.

Thanks,
Jean

Hi Jean, this is a very sensitive area. I know you would love to have you mother around forever but she is ready to go on to another life. The hard part for you is letting her go. Out of love and respect for her wishes, maybe just follow what she wants. It sounds as tho she is ready. Maybe you could just explain to her how difficult it would be to let her go but you want what she wants because you love her so. I was 19 when my mother died and she died quite slowly...I tried to feed her broth when she really didn't want it but I wanted her to have it for my own reason.
I didn't want to let her go either. She was only 52 and I didn't have any adult years with her and felt shortchanged. I eventually realized after watching her suffer that the best I could do for her is make sure she is comfortable and let her know I'm there and how much I love her.
You'll find the strength inside to respect her wishes. Maybe if you place yourself in her situation you will feel alittle differently about this. It is so hard to let go of someone you've love so much and so long...tears still come to my eyes when I think about my mom.
If I can be of help to you in any way Jean, please ask. My heart goes out to you.
Alice

Dear Jean

You are in my prayers. You have some hard times ahead of you. My mother suffered from extreme dementia. She gave up eating two months before she died. She would not eat for me but she would for her CNA---But it wasn't enough to keep her going. I had to choose not to prolong her life with forced feeding. I agonized everytime I went to see her. I have never cried so much in my life---so I prayed a lot and spent many an hour with my pastor. I am an only child and my dad had died in 1988. I turned to many of my friends and family for support and they pulled me through. I still feel guilty but I am guilty for me---not for my mother. She died peacefully in her sleep and I know she is in heaven with my dad. I would do the same thing again.
Love Nancy

Nancy,

Dying peacefully in her sleep is what I want for my mom.

I'm not an only child (I have a younger brother who is severely mentally ill and who used to abuse Mom verbally and physically before I took over her care), but I feel like the only child - I am the one who must take care of Mom and make decisions for her.

I have talked with my pastor about this in the past, but recently he's become unreliable (for lots of reasons) and I don't feel I can turn to him now.  I can turn to other church members, though.

I truly believe that Mom wants to be in heaven with her mom, dad, and their beloved dog, Dinty.  And her sister, when she is ready to join them.  If I couldn't believe in a reunion like that, I don't know what I'd do.

Thanks,
Jean

Alice,

Aw, losing your mom when she was 52 (3 years younger than me!) must have been really tough!

I agree, the best I can do for Mom now is to constantly remind her that I will be there for her and only want her to be comfortable.  The other day, she said suddenly, "How wonderful it is to have a daughter how knows how to do everything!"  I reminded her that that's the way she raised me, which gave her some satisfaction.

You're right.  I can't hold on to her when she wants to let go.  I think this new living setting may bring us both to an understanding of where we want to go next.  Not that we ever want to let go of each other, but if she can let go of life while I'm holding her hand, that would be a good thing.  I think.

Thanks,
Jean

i am so sorry you are going through this most difficult time.

however, the no eating may just be related to being in a new place and being confused about it and upset which is not uncommon in older people

just take one day at a time, and hopefully mom will start to eat a little in the next few days.

sometimes, these decisions are not in our hands, and feeling helpless is awful

hugs, be safe and well, jacki

jean...gosh... i have no first hand experience with this...i am itending ot think taht she is confused and the place is brand new to her...also she may eat when you are not aruond.....personally i detest being told WHEN to eat..i would prefer to eat when i WANT To....

 to quote you........" I think if I were 89 yrs old and in her frail condition, I would just want to go to sleep one night looking at photos of my loved ones, and wake up in heaven.  Her quality of life is not great, but I've seen worse.  I can't keep her alive just for my gratification."

BINGO on both parts of that...it must be hard ---i am sure it is!!!!!!!
talk to her; tell her how you feel; that you feel you need to help her live out her time and you know she needs nourishment...all the eyars she cared for you now you aretrying to care for her.....and tell her how much you love her and that you know she is preparing to go home...that you will miss her and that she will always be with you in your heart....

and know that we are here for you...sending special hugs and prayers for peace in your heart tonite.....

Jean.....this is a tough decision. What ever you decide will be right for you and your mother.

My mother had a feeding tube. It wasn't that she didn't want to eat she couldn't without choking to death. She had no choice. I regret it to this day!!

I will keep you both in my prayers.

Hugs, connie d